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With Or Without You

Why you don’t need your partner to start couples therapy. 
Posted Nov 03, 2015

“I’ve come to the definite conclusion that the person who calls would benefit from coming in anyway, with or without her partner. But why?  After all it’s not what she wants.  She wants to work on the relationship, and how can that happen if the partner doesn’t join her? Except that she is half the relationship, so any change she may make in herself – be it new behaviors, feelings or attitudes – will directly impact the other person, prompting him or her to adjust to a new dynamic.”
"Family therapists often like to use the mobile analogy (“mobile” as in what dangles over a baby’s crib.)  If you poke one end or figure, the other pieces move too.  When one person in a relationship “system” changes, the entire thing shifts."

Read more: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meaningful-you/201511/or-without-you


We all have hurts, habits and hangups, we often won't admit or even don't recognize.
The author states, "It can be very hard to shake the idea that life would be so much better if only they would change first.  Often a caller says, “I’m a wreck and can’t be at peace until he/she gets it together.”  But what if that takes months, even years?  This is a recipe for resentment!  Life is always more difficult under duress, so why not begin taking care of yourself now since change is a process?  Even if the “caretaking” person comes in for therapy alone, that itself breaks the cycle, a chance to find new perspective and solution. Intimate relationships are complicated because there is so much to negotiate amidst psychological and emotional overlap, unspoken feelings, differences, implied or mixed messages and so on."

Hurts, habits and hangups always serve and emotional purpose. Virtually every compulsive act is preceded by emotional turmoil (conscious or not). The function or purpose of habits and hangups is to regain control over feelings of helplessness, feeling trapped, feeling powerless and feeling out of control. Drugs, porn, anger, gambling are all Displaced methods of regaining control of how you feel. Taking the drug, getting angry, watching porn or even ignoring the issue,  temporarily removes the trapped feeling because the abuser is doing something about it, they are regaining control of how they, "Feel." There is another way to regain control of life's adversity with Direct healthy behavior. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people are willing to do what unsuccessful people don’t feel like doing. Godly men and women choose to develop the habits that produce godliness in their lives. Regain control with Direct Christ Driven Behavior.

If you are willing to make an intelligent choice and delegate control to Christ, you can and will regain control with Christ Driven behavior based on values, motivation and purpose you may have never owned.

Do you get your values from the Bible or your, “feelings?

People change when the want to change. People change when they hurt enough and have to or when the learn enough and want to. Give Christ a chance. Choose a better life.

"I am a Surrendered Believer in Jesus Christ with Free Will and I CHOSE Surrender (Intelligent Delegation) in my victory over, “Recreational Chemical Abuse, my weekend, "False Idols."
"I chose DIRECT health assertive Christ Driven Behavior (CDB) instead of DISPLACED behavior in order to regain control over feeling helpless, powerless, trapped and lacking control. I changed my, "Thinking," and God changed my life."
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There is no reason why anyone with any hurt, habit, or hang up cannot be helped. The Person-God partnership simply needs to be more powerful than any hurt, habit or hangup.

Behind everything you do is a THOUGHT.

Every BEHAVIOR is motivated by a BELIEF.

Every ACTION is prompted by an ATTITUDE.


With respect to behavior, life is about, emotions, beliefs, thinking and control.

"A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back."Proverbs 29:11 (Displaced Behaviors)

"Do not be conformed by this world but instead by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2 (Direct Behavior)

When you think and empower yourself and surrender control to God, when you Intelligently Delegate Control to God (2 Corinthians 12:9-10),

God returns that control to you with a, “Helper," the Holy Spirit, (John 14:16) a form of Reciprocal Innervation.

You regain control: "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

No longer are you subject to corrupted displaced thinking but instead are transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2).

This is where science and scripture intertwine, where Christ Driven Behavior brings, values, control, cause, character and purpose driven behavior, the fruits of the spirit Galatians 5:22-23 .

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17.


Proverbs 29:11 "A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back."

Romans 12:2: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

2 Corinthians 12-9:“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

John 14:16: "He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever—"

Philippians 2:13: "for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure."

Galatians 5:22-23 "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Ephesians 4:22-23 "...put away the old person you used to be. Have nothing to do with your old sinful life. It was sinful because of being fooled into following bad desires. Let your minds and hearts be made new."

Life is about finding Purpose. When you have a, "Global Purpose," in life, healthy direct assertive thinking and behavior follow.

Change your thinking, change your life!

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